Its happened. What we all feared....
As I was mopping up the front of the old Belk building, which Mr. and Mrs. Grimes have graciously lent us for the Farm to Fork Dinner, I heard a wracket of RATTLING. I looked across the street just in time to see the doors of 223 (where Tyrius is held captive in his lair of tire imprisonment) FLUNG WIDE OPEN! And who should gallop out, but that reviled blackened beast himself, snorting and puffing and drooling his hideous slime all over the pavement. Ohhhh, it was disgusting. And the Stench!
With his 50-long-butt still stuck in the door, he peered his frothy snout hastily about, up the sidewalk... and then back down again.... as though he were waiting for something..
Just then, a hulking Muscle Truck with a 20-foot-long Trailer came screeching around the corner of Chatham Avenue, and ground to a halt in front of him. With out missing a beat, Tyrius sort of bunched himself up, and LURCHED up at the bed of the trailer, flinging himself onto it, and using his slobbering nose as some kind of anchor, hoisted the rest of himself up onto this bed, giving a final double slap of his tail "THUDTHUD" at which the driver spead off down Chatham Avenue, through town, with Tyrius hanging off the back.
Where was he going? No one knows. His trainer, Travis, the Tire Tamer, is stricken with Grief.
"I thought he was happy" sobbed the bereft Gussonologist.
But Travis warns, he might not have gone far. "Tyrius will come back, I'm sure of it. An apple does not fall far from the tree, nor will a 160 lb tire-worm crawl far from his Papa." posited Cohn, philosophically.
"He's probably just getting a little antsy, cause you know, its Spring Time."
Explains Cohn:
"This is the time of year when an eft Tire Worm grows restless. He probably just wants to sow his oats around a little. He is actually probably out searching for a mate, a beautiful Tire Worm Lady to call his own. Sadly for Tyrius, what the poor little fellow doesn't know, is that he is the only Tire Worm in Known Existance. He would have to search the world over for his Love, and might still never find her. And you can't just chop him in half, and have him mate with himself- we tried that, and it didn't work. BUT, for that very reason, if you encounter Tyrius at Large, out on the town, you should use every precaution. A 50 foot Tire Worm in heat, well, its not a pretty site."
To make matters worse, say Authorities, this Friday night is supposedly a 'Worm Moon', which probably accounts for why Tyrius has gone berzerk in the first place. This raises the Worm Alert to a Code Pink.
As I was mopping up the front of the old Belk building, which Mr. and Mrs. Grimes have graciously lent us for the Farm to Fork Dinner, I heard a wracket of RATTLING. I looked across the street just in time to see the doors of 223 (where Tyrius is held captive in his lair of tire imprisonment) FLUNG WIDE OPEN! And who should gallop out, but that reviled blackened beast himself, snorting and puffing and drooling his hideous slime all over the pavement. Ohhhh, it was disgusting. And the Stench!
With his 50-long-butt still stuck in the door, he peered his frothy snout hastily about, up the sidewalk... and then back down again.... as though he were waiting for something..
Where was he going? No one knows. His trainer, Travis, the Tire Tamer, is stricken with Grief.
"I thought he was happy" sobbed the bereft Gussonologist.
But Travis warns, he might not have gone far. "Tyrius will come back, I'm sure of it. An apple does not fall far from the tree, nor will a 160 lb tire-worm crawl far from his Papa." posited Cohn, philosophically.
"He's probably just getting a little antsy, cause you know, its Spring Time."
Explains Cohn:
"This is the time of year when an eft Tire Worm grows restless. He probably just wants to sow his oats around a little. He is actually probably out searching for a mate, a beautiful Tire Worm Lady to call his own. Sadly for Tyrius, what the poor little fellow doesn't know, is that he is the only Tire Worm in Known Existance. He would have to search the world over for his Love, and might still never find her. And you can't just chop him in half, and have him mate with himself- we tried that, and it didn't work. BUT, for that very reason, if you encounter Tyrius at Large, out on the town, you should use every precaution. A 50 foot Tire Worm in heat, well, its not a pretty site."
To make matters worse, say Authorities, this Friday night is supposedly a 'Worm Moon', which probably accounts for why Tyrius has gone berzerk in the first place. This raises the Worm Alert to a Code Pink.
If you encounter Tyrius, rolling around in leaves, smelling like Old Spice, contact his Trainer IMMEDIATLY. Do NOT attempt to apprehend him yourself. This is a job for a professional.
He does like doughnuts though..
